Yesterday I wrote my first poem in a long time. This is it:
Dreams don’t pay the bills
By Ahava Karen
I feel so disconnected from who I used to be;
A stranger to myself, and those
Who I once confided in because I saw them every day.
I feel so disconnected….
Maybe because pay phones don’t exist anymore
Or half of my youth filled with cassettes, music posters and the simplicity of technologies.
I’m not really searching for anything.
Not like I used to search for answers and the why.
I just let it be. For the most part.
I flash back to getting lost in the library—
Reading anything and everything that I could understand
And being so excited to pick up a pen to write
Or even sit down at the computer with an idea.
I used to fill pages with dreams
And I came close to checking them all off
And I celebrated by creating another list.
I’ve reached the ceiling of dreams it seems,
Because my dreams don’t pay the bills.
I’m beyond the age where natural talent
Allows for the growth of dreams and desires
To do something that’s so far out of reach.
I understand: dreams don’t pay the bills,
And I hear it loud and clear.
So here I am, closing up the chapter of dreaming,
And living in reality where I’m no longer a writer
A reader or even a dreamer -
I am the product of a working society
That still struggles to make ends meet with reality.
A quick reminder:
Dreams don’t pay the bills.
Dreams don’t pay the bills.
Stand up strong, face the wind, set sail
because dreams don’t pay the bills.
The thought process and feelings behind it kind of unofficially started to brew the other day when we watched the first episode of American Idol's new season.
First off--before I discuss anything further--it's hard to believe that American Idol has been on for twenty something seasons. I started watching AI when I was in high school, so it's actually been around for more than half my age at this point. Remembering the old AI, I actually kind of liked it better back then just because they allowed the really ridiculous/terrible singers get some air time....and that was entertaining! But, like anything good and worth it, there's growth and changes and the new way of the show is to shower talent with backstories that may appeal to watchers. They're showing 'from rags to riches' and the steps to getting there, getting that golden ticket, getting to live out that dream of being a singer....which is everyone's collective dream for going on this show.
I was heavily into choir when AI came out, so I was judging the songs, the way someone sang, the performance. I even wrote a few skits about the judges judging fairytale characters, but I remember throwing those away a few years ago because they were just something horrible, and I didn't want to do fanfiction or infringe on copyright. I not only took AI seriously, but I took award shows seriously, too. I wanted to do something with music, I had that dream. My life was surrounded by music and writing and the fine arts.
Anyway, deep into my thoughts, I thought about the failed attempts I've had in my life and what came from it - doing things for fun and trying to earn money - going nowhere fast. I thought about some of my goals and dreams I did achieve and succeed at but then moved far away from in the end, so did it even really matter? I did the thing, gained experience, but now it seems like just a distant memory that I wouldn't even remember if I hadn't written it down. I'm not at all bitter about this or others having dreams and achieving them. That's not really what this is about. I've had my fun, I've wasted some of my life, I've done some things, and now it's time to stop dreaming about whatever it is. I'm getting too old for it, and need to only go for the things that I know will make money and give [us] a sustainable living, especially these days, where there's no time for dreaming, just doing, and surviving day to day.
I will give all of the hope and encouragement to younger people to do all their dreaming and achieving when they're young because they have a better chance at succeeding and having years do that, to improve, to become something. And, as for me, I'm not even sure anymore.
Thank you, Karen, for liking my post today (Feb. 26th). Your poem "hits me in all the feels". And, I like what Tiffany wrote re: finding the balance. That's what I'm doing, and slowing down from all the other things (distractions) that take me away from writing. As far as my age, I remind myself of the painter Grandma Moses. One never knows!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grandma_Moses
Dreams don't pay the bills, but if you one is able to find the balance it is a wonderful thing!
But I feel you, so many times I've wanted to sign my husband up for Master Chef or one of those
cooking shows but three months of not working. Le sigh.