Hello all, it’s been quite some time since I’ve written. I have a lot to share about what’s been going on lately, but I feel really called to write this particular post, so everything else will have to wait. ~Ahava Karen
As the holidays approach my yearning for Hanukkah becomes deeper and deeper. And—since I’m really getting the feeling—I want to share my Hanukkah story with those who don’t know it.
On December 12th, 2017 I was looking in the local beach town paper and saw something about the first night for the lighting of the menorah. I waited to look at the paper until that moment and it happened to be that very day it was happening. Something within my soul told me I absolutely HAD to go, so I did and I rushed off to get there in time.
Not knowing a single thing about Judaism or the Jewish faith (other than Anne Frank), I stood back far back watching the gathering from this particular synagogue. They sang and said prayers…. ones that sounded so familiar. I couldn’t place them. It felt like one of those “song of home” moments. At that moment, I knew something was happening I just didn’t know what. When they were done, I inched closer and closer and I know my face showed amazement. Someone said hi to me, and I wanted to be brave enough to actually speak to them about this, but I wasn’t. I stood there amongst the Christmas lights/tree and Menorah taking in what just happened, then I walked down to the beach for the sunset. When I went home I got online and started researching Judaism.
As someone who had never felt connected with the Christian faith, I had tried almost every religion out there to find where I belonged. The one and only faith I did not try was Judaism. Still to this very day: I think about the why. Why had I not researched it. Was it about timing? That I needed to live x amount of my years, experience what I was experiencing and going through THEN find it at that moment I was supposed to? There were so many thoughts back then and still so many thoughts today.
Judaism is a religion, and yes, Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday. However, when I found Judaism at Hanukkah it was not necessarily about religion. It was my finding of the light, a light, within my soul that was ignited after so long of being darkened. For many of my years I was rocking back and fourth on the depression scale. Some days and years and months were better than ever. There was a moment very close to December 12th, 2017 that I was like God/Universe send some sort of sign before I make a permanent decision about my life. And, December 12th, 2017’s lighting of the menorah saved me. When I talk about Hanukkah and being super duper excited about it—it’s more of my “igniting my soul with the light” personal story and journey than to do with anything else.
When I did my research about Judaism the connection I already had was undeniable. I wasn’t “spiritual” - I was Jewish and I finally found my way back home. And, to this day: the feeling of depression and wanting life to end has gone away. There are bad days, but nothing compared to what it was before converting.
Hanukkah 2017 was my personal moment that started my journey. Early in 2018, I went to my first Jewish anything which was the amazing Jewish family deli and that’s where I found the love of Kosher food and event/party life. I didn’t attend a synagogue until April 2018 when I went to a boat show, then I finally attended my synagogue in June 2018 on Pride Day. Before I started my journey at my synagogue, I found a chai necklace at the synagogue I attended in April 2018. I wore that thing. Chai means life. Judaism saved my life.
At the Pride 2018 service, I introduced myself to the incoming Rabbi and talked to him about my interest in Judaism and my journey so far. The cool thing was that he didn’t start until July and I was able to start with a brand new Rabbi…. that was planning on having an Intro to Judaism class that new year (which started in Aug/Sept 2018). I attended the class, did my work, and then converted on Anne Frank’s birthday (June 12, 2019). I now have two birthdays: the one that I was born to the Earth and the one where my soul was returned as a Jew.
There’s so much to my story that I haven’t included (obviously) because there’s truly so much depth and we are talking a journey that’s been happening since the end of 2017. One day I’ll get to everything. We are still weeks away from Hanukkah and I am awaiting to fuel my soul with the light again… enough to keep me going for the whole year until next year’s Hanukkah.
There’s one thing I promised myself when I converted: there would be a few traditions are kept, but I never wanted to do the same thing twice in a row (this goes for all Jewish holidays). So far, I’ve been really good keeping to that. My traditions? Watching the Rugrats Hanukkah episode, lighting my menorah and eating food. Everything else in between those 8 days usually fall into place, and I absolutely love it when Christmas falls on one of those 8 days so that there’s more to celebrate. In 2018, I remember watching Mrs. Maisel, going downtown St Pete and winning tickets to 4 shows (only got to go to 1, gave the others away), adopting Havali and celebrating at my synagogue. In 2019, I celebrated with my synagogue. In 2020, I was with my parents and celebrated at home. In 2021, I was living/working at the hotel up north and lit my menorah for the first night and watched Rugrats while eating latkes out in the lobby. And now, it’s a new year to make more memories.
Burning That Midnight Oil
By Ahava Karen, written in 2019
Joy, pure joy...that's what I feel.
I write—to heal—to share
to keep my flame flickering longer.
A writer's gotta write. The constant need to inspire
has my spirits running bright.
Hanukah, Chanukah, Hanukkah
Two thousand spellings
(well, maybe not that many)
but enough that I feel like having a full-on discussion
with Ernest Hemingway, Mark Twain or say Scott Fitzgerald....
as we're about to enter the roaring 20s again.
Jazz and romance and glitter and all the glam
I can just see it now....
I'm burning that midnight oil
sitting here, day dreaming
about being in a place like France
where everything has flair and there's some kind of
decadence that isn't where I've been before.
Where there's style and culture...
Where not everything is the same..
Where elegance is part of the vocabulary
and proper suits and ballroom gowns
seem kind of normal in this day and age.
Where being modest isn't called prude
but embraced just like being practically nude.
I can just taste it now:
Breakfast at Tiffany's
black dresses and pearls
red hair and glitter on all the girls.
Top hats and pianos and radio voices
adding up the day's artistic value
in a song that would later become famous.
Oh Chanuka, embrace me tightly,
the way you've always done with the days of eight...
Throw the fuel to my flame
and permanent joy within
to get me through the rest of the year.
I enjoyed this piece about you enjoying Hannukah. I was born on 12/13. Saint Lucia's Day. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Lucy's_Day and I love to find the light within. Oh yes, I find it out with others, but within is where it all starts. I'm enjoying reading your posts.